1 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:12,100 Read about the things that happen throughout the world. 2 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:17,600 Don't believe in everything you see or hear. 3 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,480 Read all about... 4 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,200 Welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Reen. Joining us this week are Catherine 5 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:47,900 Ryan, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth, Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah 6 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:49,300 Hello. 7 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:59,120 We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a 8 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,400 topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening. So, team, what's 9 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,400 on here? 10 00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:09,740 Well, I can see a solid gold knob and Keir Starmer's walking past it. 11 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,520 We're filming this a few days ahead of broadcast. 12 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:17,640 Yes. This is either one or two people who have recently lost their jobs. 13 00:01:19,460 --> 00:01:22,300 This is Donovan saying, you know what would be really funny? If I replaced you 14 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,300 with Mandelson. 15 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:28,980 This is Donovan leaving to present a new edition of This Is Your Life. 16 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,300 Is he trying to get his bound copy of the Epstein file signed? 17 00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:36,800 By who? 18 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:39,340 That's going to take you to know who. 19 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:41,460 That's going to take a long time to collect all of those signatures. 20 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,360 Oh, look at my book. 21 00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:46,580 Someone's drawn a cock holding it. 22 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,900 Are those the three stages of a hair transplant? 23 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,480 They're just knocking around ideas of who they should bring back. Liz Truss, 24 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,600 maybe Hugh Edwards as Minister for Kids. 25 00:02:05,010 --> 00:02:07,870 Should be noted, by the way, that that department was entirely just invented 26 00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:08,870 the purpose of that joke. 27 00:02:09,850 --> 00:02:13,510 You don't actually have a minister for kids, because that is asking for 28 00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:14,890 And look what happens without one. 29 00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:17,990 If they get one, it should be a kid. 30 00:02:18,990 --> 00:02:21,370 That's what they should have as an eight -year -old. Like a baby goat. 31 00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:27,530 You had one job. You had one job to find a charger in this department. 32 00:02:36,019 --> 00:02:39,860 He's saying, today he's going to take all of my charisma. Darling, fetch me my 33 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:40,860 brown tie. 34 00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:44,640 He's got a long thumb, hasn't he? 35 00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:49,880 Does anyone just give me an answer so I can wrap up this? 36 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,360 Traditionally, this is my job, isn't it? You're just very much why we've got you 37 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,360 back. 38 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,640 This is Prime Minister. 39 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,880 Yes. Keir Starmer. 40 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,620 I forgot how close it always is. 41 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:08,940 And next to him is the Chief of Staff, Morgan McSweeney. Absolutely. Thank you 42 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:09,940 very much, Hugh. Correct. 43 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,200 Yes, 44 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:18,440 this is a picture of UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and his former Chief of 45 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,880 Staff, Morgan McSweeney. This is news that's following further revelations 46 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,420 Peter Mansell's links to Jeffrey Epstein. 47 00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:24,780 McSweeney took... 48 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:28,160 Full responsibility for advising Starmer to appoint Manson as U .S. Ambassador 49 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:32,000 and step down from his role. And these are words I didn't expect to say on week 50 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,680 three. At the time of recording, Keir Starmer is still Prime Minister. 51 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:40,080 But how is it looking for Starmer at the moment? It's the worst excuse ever. 52 00:03:40,180 --> 00:03:41,180 It's such an own goal. 53 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,340 I mean, I didn't even make the decision. 54 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:49,620 Like, it's like, McSweeney's the dominatrix and she's quit and now the 55 00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:50,620 still in charge. 56 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:58,670 This situation is so annoying because if Keir Starmer steps down because 57 00:03:58,670 --> 00:04:03,390 McSweeney has left due to his links to Mandelson, then the Labour Party is 58 00:04:03,390 --> 00:04:06,770 probably going to crumble, which means that Nigel Farage will become the Prime 59 00:04:06,770 --> 00:04:12,530 Minister. He will reinstate the two -child benefit cap. And all of that 60 00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:16,990 that somehow Jeffrey Epstein is still screwing kids. 61 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,660 I really did not think you were going to like that. 62 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,720 Did you think they were going to be a pro -Epstein crowd? 63 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:38,660 What I loved about the reporting was that they described it as a dramatic 64 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:41,460 that McSweeney did, which makes me always think that they go like, and say 65 00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:42,580 goodbye to these. 66 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,120 You're never going to see this house again. 67 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,500 I think the whole thing, the fact McSweeney's gone, is fantastic news for 68 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,650 justice. Because we've got the guy, haven't we? We've got our guy. We've got 69 00:04:53,650 --> 00:04:57,810 guy who made a suggestion to the guy, who made the appointment of the guy, 70 00:04:57,810 --> 00:05:00,970 friends with the guy, who did all those international sex crimes. So we can move 71 00:05:00,970 --> 00:05:01,970 on. It's fantastic. 72 00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,030 That's a very neat bow on top of that. 73 00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:11,330 For everything you hear about them, they do seem to be, they came as a pair. You 74 00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:14,450 know, McSweeney did the ideas, Keir Starmer was sort of putting it into 75 00:05:14,490 --> 00:05:17,370 I feel like they should have left at the same time, like Tess and Claudia. 76 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:21,860 So do you think that's the fairest way to do it? Is that why Ted and Claudia 77 00:05:21,860 --> 00:05:23,440 left? Not because of the episode. 78 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,700 Dara and I left at the same time, but he came back first. 79 00:05:30,180 --> 00:05:32,540 Who's shaping up for a possible leadership bid? 80 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,940 Red Street is one of them. Red Street is one of them, yeah. He's very happy with 81 00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:37,720 himself because he's stolen Keir Starmer's book. 82 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,780 Yes, among the people running Angela Rayner, obviously, is... 83 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:47,560 Said to be interested in the post. 84 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:53,000 Miliband is always mentioned. And my personal favourite, the MP for 85 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,460 Selly Oak, who's a guy called Al Karn. 86 00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:56,940 He's so shit. 87 00:05:57,820 --> 00:06:01,600 He does look like Keir Starmer crossed with Jack Reacher. 88 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:08,520 He's a former army guy who recently climbed Everest while breathing in 89 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,520 xenon gas. 90 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,060 And the reason is because he could climb Everest faster because he said to 91 00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:16,360 himself, I don't have five to six weeks to climb Everest. I'm a government 92 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:20,140 minister. I have to do it quickly, which is, all right, mate, calm it down. 93 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,800 I say a very similar thing to my husband about lovemaking. 94 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:26,640 We have to hurry this along. I'm not the weak. 95 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,680 Looking at this guy, I feel so bad for Keir Starmer because this guy is very 96 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,880 much the Ed Gamble to Keir Starmer's me. 97 00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,300 He's your science, man. Yeah. 98 00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,590 You know everything about science. I know everything about science. Yeah, I 99 00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:43,330 everything about science. Why would xenon gas enable you to climb Everest 100 00:06:43,330 --> 00:06:46,010 faster? Because, ah, so technical. 101 00:06:48,510 --> 00:06:52,430 It's a bit like you go diving with oxygen pressures. 102 00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:54,030 I see. 103 00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:59,210 That's all very clear. Thank you very much. I think this guy looks tough. 104 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,160 Still not as tough as Angela Rayner. She looks like she'd have someone in the 105 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,500 Secret Service to hold her earrings if it all kicks off. 106 00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:07,980 And she'd be the first to have a boob job. 107 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:11,860 And for me personally, I'm donating to that campaign because she might make 108 00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:13,200 fillers tax -deductible. 109 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,680 You know, this impacts me. And she's got a new haircut. 110 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,280 Yeah, she's got a new haircut. Because the people have written they will 111 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,720 tolerate someone being non -sadjacent, but they draw the line at split ends. 112 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:23,720 knows that. 113 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,400 Can I see the picture of the handsome guy again? You can see the handsome guy 114 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,160 again? Do you think he'd... doesn't wear hats because it would literally be a 115 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:32,640 square peg in a round hole. 116 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,560 I bet you I had to say that we shouldn't do jokes about Al Karns because I fear 117 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,220 just turning the key in my house and from the shadows, Al Karns. 118 00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:48,380 Well, well, well. 119 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,620 That's some funny jokes, didn't you, my friend? 120 00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:53,140 But is it funny when you're folded in two? 121 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,560 I have fantasies about him turning the key in my bedroom door as well, Dara, 122 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,560 for different reasons. 123 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,960 Yeah, I'm gay, but he could fold me in too, don't I? 124 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,520 Oh, there's a lot of mixed messages coming from our car. 125 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,780 Does he drink Ronseal? He looks a bit like him. 126 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,080 He looks like he ejaculates WD -40. 127 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,260 I reckon fizzing WD -40 is not a bad idea, because the WD stands for water 128 00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:21,200 displacement, doesn't it? It goes like a... 129 00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:22,920 It'd be like a, you know, hosepipe. 130 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,400 It would be good, but Rhys did say ejaculate. I did say ejaculate. 131 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,640 Oh, ejaculating. 132 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:29,920 I didn't hear that because I'm innocent, you know. 133 00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:35,980 We've got too many of these guys ejaculating all over the place, and 134 00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:37,960 likes to clean it up. Yeah. No, no, no. 135 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,580 I mean, like, tidy up. 136 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,039 Tidy up to the joke. Yeah. 137 00:08:43,919 --> 00:08:45,300 It's all true. It's all true. 138 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,560 What have some backbench MPs been calling for? A caretaker. A caretaker, 139 00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:52,360 Why would we want a Prime Minister who wants to watch me after I'm getting 140 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,440 changed from cross -country? 141 00:08:53,980 --> 00:08:56,100 LAUGHTER Yeah. 142 00:08:56,820 --> 00:09:00,280 I thought the same thing. That's a very unrelatable content. 143 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:06,740 LAUGHTER Yes, that is what they've proposed, as if the country is like West 144 00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:07,740 Brom. 145 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,820 Give it Sam Allardyce till the end of the season. 146 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:11,920 I mean, we're already out of Europe. 147 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,440 LAUGHTER 148 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:18,400 Have they also been asking for more comfortable benches? 149 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,020 You know what they need? Some WD -40. 150 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:22,260 You know what they can get? 151 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:26,320 I use that when I ejaculate. 152 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:32,400 So you don't ejaculate it, you use it to ejaculate, because that's a very 153 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,400 different thing. 154 00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,260 I've got another science question. 155 00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:42,940 Okay, so if a lady's ovum meets the ejaculate of WD -40, what kind of baby 156 00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:43,940 they make? 157 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,630 All I know is it slides out easy. 158 00:09:47,710 --> 00:09:51,010 Moving on, please. 159 00:09:51,710 --> 00:09:52,710 What's going on here? 160 00:09:53,690 --> 00:09:56,330 Wow, look at the dickhead on that. 161 00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:02,470 Haraj is going, the perfect Guinness, completely white. 162 00:10:05,030 --> 00:10:08,870 They're actually launching Reform's new anti -immigration beer, Ban Miguel. 163 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,280 This is Reform IPA. 164 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,300 Light on the Indian, heavy on the pale. 165 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,600 He'd just heard that the glasses were made in China, so he didn't want them. 166 00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:30,100 I think he's done this on purpose, right? What's the first thing you think 167 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:30,979 you see that pint? 168 00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:32,660 Send it back. He's in here. 169 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:42,080 I wouldn't... There wouldn't be all that foam if I tilted to the right. 170 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,000 Yes, it is. The former UK leader, Nigel Farage, and the chief whip, Lee 171 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,180 Anderson, pictured recently in a Westminster pub, announcing a policy. 172 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,600 They've announced a policy, an actual policy. What is the policy they 173 00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:54,860 5p off time. 174 00:10:55,210 --> 00:10:57,750 That's the first half, but you think that sounds great. 175 00:10:57,970 --> 00:10:59,050 What's the second half of it? 176 00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:02,190 Reinstating the two -cap child policy. 177 00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:05,310 It's quite a double whammy. It's like, we'll take five pounds off your pint, 178 00:11:05,390 --> 00:11:07,190 yay, and we'll take it out of the mouths of children. 179 00:11:09,070 --> 00:11:12,210 I'm in. I'm all in. I love a discount. I bought a Charlie Biggin lasagna 180 00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:14,090 yesterday because it had been reduced to 45 pounds. 181 00:11:14,350 --> 00:11:19,650 I don't see how a child wearing two hats is going to change anything. 182 00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:29,190 It's quite short -term thinking as well, isn't it? Because if people get more 183 00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:30,290 pissed, they'll have more kids. 184 00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:35,030 Yeah. I don't know about you, I'm not capable of having kids after having a 185 00:11:35,030 --> 00:11:36,030 rubble. 186 00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:38,730 As long as I've got the WD -40. 187 00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:45,030 There are more coffee shops than pubs these days, but nobody got fingered in a 188 00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:47,350 coffee shop car park after six Americanos. 189 00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:50,510 This is not 100 % true, but yeah. 190 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,180 Come to Essex, if I cost a coffee, it's going to blow your mind. 191 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:01,400 That feeling when you're the only one in the line -up that's not been fingered 192 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,400 in a cafe. 193 00:12:06,340 --> 00:12:07,540 Excuse me, Princess Grace. 194 00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,060 Yeah, 195 00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:12,140 no, happy to move on. 196 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,740 I like it. I mean, I wish someone had made me observe a two -child cap. I 197 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,940 haven't slept in the same bed as my husband since Tiger King. 198 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,600 Why? Because... 199 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:24,540 Tiger King and Aphrodisiac. 200 00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:26,020 It absolutely was. 201 00:12:26,860 --> 00:12:29,460 I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys. 202 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,800 I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs, I have to declare myself 203 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,800 as dairy produce. 204 00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:37,960 I've had so many kids. 205 00:12:39,820 --> 00:12:44,180 Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes was a lifelong dream. 206 00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,680 At the end of that round, the points go to Sarah, Rhys and Catherine. 207 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,040 Join us after the break for more Mock the Week. 208 00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:04,400 The next round is called Between the Lines between Hugh and Rhys. Would you 209 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,580 way to the press pit, please? 210 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,540 Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage, 211 00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,740 while Hugh will translate what it really means. 212 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,640 This week, Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten -Windsor. 213 00:13:15,540 --> 00:13:18,560 Are you fucking kidding me? 214 00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:21,530 You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo. 215 00:13:23,850 --> 00:13:26,510 Hello, it's me, Mr. 216 00:13:26,770 --> 00:13:29,050 Andrew Mountbatten -Windsor. 217 00:13:34,470 --> 00:13:35,870 What happened? 218 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:40,850 I am currently facing some personal challenges. 219 00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:43,590 And that is putting it fucking mildly. 220 00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:47,410 Things are starting to get serious for me. 221 00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,620 I suddenly realised I do sweat. 222 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,780 I realise now I should have kept better company. 223 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,220 Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea. 224 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,780 I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done. 225 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:16,960 When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog. 226 00:14:17,550 --> 00:14:20,050 I spent my time on all fours panting a lot. 227 00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,890 It's been incredibly exhausting moving house. 228 00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:29,010 You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse. 229 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:37,890 I've changed. 230 00:14:38,290 --> 00:14:42,130 I'll be spending my time in Sandringham reflecting and quietly integrating. 231 00:14:43,490 --> 00:14:44,730 Hello, Norfolk ladies. 232 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:50,930 Former war hero, new in town, single and ready to mingle. Call me for golf, 233 00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,430 pizza and maybe more. 234 00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:58,430 The media are wrongly portraying me as a fat, arrogant sex addict with low 235 00:14:58,430 --> 00:14:59,430 intelligence. 236 00:15:02,930 --> 00:15:04,150 I am not fat. 237 00:15:06,770 --> 00:15:09,590 If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly. 238 00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:12,870 I will give you £12 million to shut the fuck up. 239 00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:18,440 These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history some of them are over 17 240 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,300 years old 241 00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:26,720 17 242 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:31,360 years old 243 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,060 The next round is called Cheer Today, Gone Tomorrow. 244 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:50,440 This round involves Glenn and Sarah, so if you could make your way to the 245 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,060 performance area, please. This round is a stand -up challenge. I launch a wheel 246 00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:55,600 of news, and wherever you choose, you can stop one of our performers on the 247 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,900 stepboard and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the 248 00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:01,520 funniest. OK, here we go. Let's have our first topic, please. 249 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:02,980 Let's spin the wheel. 250 00:16:04,780 --> 00:16:05,860 And the topic is children. 251 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,120 I am 32. 252 00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:12,480 And I don't look it. 253 00:16:14,750 --> 00:16:18,890 It is a bit of a nightmare. Last summer, I was walking my friend's dog down the 254 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:22,430 street, having a nice time, a little pair of shorts, having a lovely day. 255 00:16:22,430 --> 00:16:25,930 was a guy on the other side of the street, this guy, this older guy, he got 256 00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:29,990 level, and this guy shouted, No school today! 257 00:16:33,130 --> 00:16:35,470 And then I had to say, Oh, no. 258 00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:41,450 No, there's no school today. 259 00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:44,960 Because I am 32 years old. 260 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,800 And he said, oh, that's weird. I thought you were a young boy. 261 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:54,120 I was like, I'm weird. Why are you starting a conversation with a young 262 00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:57,400 What's your plan, spooky man? 263 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:02,080 My girlfriend hates it. She hates how young I look because she looks like an 264 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,900 adult woman. So if we walk around holding hands, what's she up to? 265 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,380 We went for a drink. It was a hot day, really hot day. We went out for a drink. 266 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,940 And for some reason, I don't know why, I decided I wanted a really, really dry 267 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:17,359 rosé with an ice cube in it. Just fancied it. 268 00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,740 But I also needed to go to the bathroom. So I went off to the bathroom and I 269 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:21,960 said to my girlfriend what I wanted. 270 00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:27,180 She went off to the bar. She said, can I get two really, really dry rosés with 271 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:31,080 an ice cube in each one? And the guy behind the bar said, I'm not serving you 272 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,760 until the young man you're with comes back. 273 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,320 and I can check his ID. 274 00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:41,940 And she said, OK, well, just so you know, they are 32 years old, and he 275 00:17:41,940 --> 00:17:43,640 don't believe that for a second. 276 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:51,000 So what he thinks has happened is that I, a boy, 17 at most, 277 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:58,240 have walked into a bar and said, I would like a very, very dry mosaic, 278 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,400 please. 279 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:02,140 I would like a single ice cube. 280 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:09,020 And if anybody asks, you must tell them that I am 32 years old. 281 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:12,800 Thank you very much. 282 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:19,680 That leaves us with Glenn. Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the 283 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,520 And the topic is bravery. 284 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:23,920 Away you go. 285 00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:26,870 I'm not a brave person. 286 00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:30,270 I'm not very good at a conflict. I'll do anything in my life to avoid a fight. 287 00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:33,310 I'll do anything in my life to avoid, I think, even the slightest disagreement. 288 00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:36,190 I'll give you an example. A few months ago, I was standing at a train platform. 289 00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:39,910 I was waiting for my train. A train came along that was not my train. The man 290 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,910 behind me said, after you, and I got on the train. 291 00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,250 I get terrified of ever getting told off. I got told off by someone a few 292 00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:51,230 ago, and it still haunts me to this day because I truly don't know if I was in 293 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,079 the wrong. 294 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,420 Or a bit strange with being completely unreasonable. 295 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,580 So who's in the wrong here? About six months ago, a woman told me off for 296 00:18:57,580 --> 00:19:01,900 holding the door open for her because she was still pissing. What do you 297 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,600 I'm terrified of getting told off. I never have arguments. You know, it's not 298 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,260 how I deal with situations. So if I did have, like, a nemesis, if I had an 299 00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:14,220 enemy, if I had someone I hated, someone whose life I wanted to destroy, someone 300 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:17,840 I wanted to see brought down a peg or two, the way I'd ruin my enemy's life is 301 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,860 not by defeating them face to face in an argument. I mean, the way you ruin your 302 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,400 enemy's life is you just Google their name every day alongside the word 303 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,720 allegations until you change the algorithm. That's what you do. 304 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,700 I'm the only person in my family who's not good at standing up for themselves. 305 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,700 Everyone else in my family is very good in a conflict. I've got members of my 306 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:36,920 family who have been killed in conflicts for gold. My great -uncle was killed in 307 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,360 Vietnam last year in some weird sex den. Never going to be like that again. 308 00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:44,240 Very confrontational family, you know? It's like my grandmother always used to 309 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:49,340 say to me, wouldn't you sort the fuck up? I, um... What have I achieved in my 310 00:19:49,340 --> 00:19:54,400 life? What had I achieved by the age of 25, you know? I, uh... I once poured a 311 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,400 pint of beer for Jude Law. 312 00:19:56,950 --> 00:19:58,850 Yeah. Don't know why. I've never been in the same room as him. That was 313 00:19:58,850 --> 00:19:59,850 optimistic. I don't know. 314 00:20:01,530 --> 00:20:04,970 Like, even as I was pouring it, I was like, I don't know where he is. 315 00:20:06,670 --> 00:20:09,090 I don't want you to think I'm complaining about not being a brave 316 00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:11,290 anything like that. No, I feel it every time you complain about your life in the 317 00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:14,770 21st century. You've got such a slap in the face to every generation before you 318 00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:17,430 who would like so much harder than you. You know, my parents' lives were harder 319 00:20:17,430 --> 00:20:19,930 than mine. My grandparents' lives were harder than theirs. My great 320 00:20:19,930 --> 00:20:23,570 -grandparents had to flee their home country during World War II and live the 321 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:26,550 rest of their lives living in fear in Buenos Aires. I cannot imagine. 322 00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:31,890 Now, that was my great -grandfather, man. Kind, caring, racist to a fault. 323 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,020 I can't stand up to anyone, you know? My wife even upset me the other day. I 324 00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:38,800 didn't say anything about it, okay? She upset me because she made a joke. I 325 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,440 spent ages making dinner. It was very romantic. 326 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,320 I dedicated my entire day to making dinner. I got out of bed, had my normal 327 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,180 morning routine, had a cup of tea, Googled Rhys James allegations, and 328 00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:51,540 making this amazing... I break down the table in front of her. She takes one 329 00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:53,480 bite. She goes, oh, compliments to the microwave. 330 00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:55,460 Piss off. 331 00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:58,460 That hurt my feelings, because that dinner took me three and a half hours to 332 00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:00,540 make, you know? Because I had it on defrost. It's just so upsetting. 333 00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:04,470 Well done, very good. 334 00:21:04,990 --> 00:21:07,450 At the end of that round, the points go to Sarah. 335 00:21:07,890 --> 00:21:08,910 And it's up to Matthew. 336 00:21:11,950 --> 00:21:14,370 Join us after the break for more Mock the Week. 337 00:21:20,690 --> 00:21:24,230 The next round is called, if this is the answer, what is the question? On the 338 00:21:24,230 --> 00:21:25,230 board are six categories. 339 00:21:25,530 --> 00:21:26,910 Hugh, which category would you like? 340 00:21:27,410 --> 00:21:28,410 Sport. Sport! 341 00:21:28,630 --> 00:21:30,230 OK, Hugh, your topic is sport. 342 00:21:30,830 --> 00:21:32,870 The answer is 25. What is the question? 343 00:21:33,130 --> 00:21:35,790 Is it, how old do I feel now that I'm back? 344 00:21:40,310 --> 00:21:44,790 Is it, um, how many times is Mott the Week mentioned in the Epstein file? 345 00:21:46,710 --> 00:21:50,570 Don't point out, we've not mentioned the Epstein files, unlike QI and 8 out of 346 00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:51,570 10 cats. OK. 347 00:21:53,410 --> 00:21:57,690 Is it, what is the maximum speed Keir Starmer will drive in a 30? 348 00:21:59,330 --> 00:22:02,500 Is it, uh... How many prostate exams can you book in for before they get 349 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,500 suspicious? 350 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,240 There's something up there. There's something up there. 351 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:08,820 Just have one more look. 352 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:10,980 Not how that works, either. 353 00:22:11,660 --> 00:22:13,240 Get the WD -40. 354 00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:19,560 Is it at what age did I stop wearing gloves that were connected by a piece of 355 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:20,560 string? 356 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:26,620 Is it how many people actually got Covid? 357 00:22:30,890 --> 00:22:31,729 Fuck the BBC. 358 00:22:31,730 --> 00:22:33,030 We say what we want on CLT. 359 00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:36,950 Where have you been? Where have you been for three years? I'm going to shut up. 360 00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:38,450 It's been so nice, everyone. Thank you. 361 00:22:39,170 --> 00:22:40,930 I've been in a cave in Royston. 362 00:22:41,130 --> 00:22:43,830 I've just been online all the time for three years. 363 00:22:44,050 --> 00:22:46,930 You don't count it because you use then on gas. 364 00:22:48,030 --> 00:22:50,590 And WD -40, well, it's a conspiracy. 365 00:22:52,210 --> 00:22:55,770 What percentage of the Beatles have a parking app named after them? 366 00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:06,700 Paid by Paul McCartney was really pissed off. 367 00:23:07,660 --> 00:23:12,860 Is it how many people my dad thinks I'm talking about when I describe somebody 368 00:23:12,860 --> 00:23:14,120 using they, their pronoun? 369 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,860 Is it what Rhys James' inside leg? 370 00:23:19,220 --> 00:23:20,220 Yeah. 371 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:25,120 Is it how old does Rhys James look? 372 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,080 Unless you get very close to him. 373 00:23:29,550 --> 00:23:32,570 Is it how many ounces of bull sleep and I rub on my face every day to keep 374 00:23:32,570 --> 00:23:33,570 these? 375 00:23:34,850 --> 00:23:37,990 Is it how many months old did Dara lose his hair? 376 00:23:39,770 --> 00:23:42,490 You know he's bald, right? 377 00:23:43,330 --> 00:23:47,650 I was also born bald. I mean, I didn't just get it for like a year. 378 00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:50,270 Okay, we get it. You're a scientist. 379 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,860 How many seconds are there between Richard Attenborough saying welcome and 380 00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:03,860 Jurassic Park? 381 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,920 How many days of my cottage cheese advent calendar remain unopened? 382 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,140 That's why you're not putting on muscle. 383 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,660 Is it what channel number is TLC? 384 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:18,879 What is TLC? 385 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,580 Depends which service you're on. Anything from 12 to 133. 386 00:24:22,780 --> 00:24:26,480 It's a wonderful journey every Sunday evening. Thank you for finding us. 387 00:24:29,220 --> 00:24:30,480 You must be weary, Trevor. 388 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,380 Rest your tired finger. 389 00:24:37,340 --> 00:24:38,800 No, I haven't finished yet. 390 00:24:41,460 --> 00:24:43,080 It's you, not with a WD -40. 391 00:24:44,820 --> 00:24:48,180 Is it how many hours does it take my four -year -old son to eat a fucking 392 00:24:48,180 --> 00:24:49,180 sandwich? 393 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,760 Sorry, I've got problems at home. Yeah, we all get that. 394 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,580 Is it how many times during a haircut do I think, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, 395 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:56,660 I should not have become a hairdresser? 396 00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:01,300 What comes after M in M25? 397 00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:05,420 OK, 398 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,160 what is the actual question? 399 00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:11,360 This is what, how many Winter Olympics have there been? 400 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,120 Correct. Thank you very much, Hugh. Well done. 401 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,720 Yes, the question I was looking for was how many Winter Olympics have there been 402 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:22,720 including this one? 403 00:25:22,910 --> 00:25:26,670 The 25th Winter Olympics is underway in Milan Cortina and will feature 2 ,900 404 00:25:26,670 --> 00:25:30,930 athletes from 90 countries competing in the 116th event. So have you all been 405 00:25:30,930 --> 00:25:33,390 watching the festival of sliding in gravity? 406 00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:37,190 It's a lot more dangerous than the normal Olympics, isn't it? It really is, 407 00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:38,630 yeah. There's so much more jeopardy. 408 00:25:39,210 --> 00:25:42,310 Instantaneously dangerous. It's crazy. The normal Olympics is like, oh, how far 409 00:25:42,310 --> 00:25:43,950 can you jump into this sandpit? 410 00:25:44,170 --> 00:25:46,510 This is like, prepare for the icy slide of death. 411 00:25:47,770 --> 00:25:49,210 We'll answer you over a clip. 412 00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:50,760 You weren't expecting that, were you? 413 00:25:51,260 --> 00:25:54,960 The equivalent would be if the Summer Olympics, if the 100 metres was on, 414 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,320 the top of a skyscraper that was exactly 100 metres wide. 415 00:25:58,220 --> 00:26:00,100 And they were being chased by a lion. Yeah. 416 00:26:00,380 --> 00:26:03,620 And now we shall pour washing -up liquid all over the place. 417 00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:05,620 There you go. 418 00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:07,800 A lot of music. 419 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:09,840 element to it all, yeah. 420 00:26:11,140 --> 00:26:14,100 Athletes from around the world, including two athletes from Greenland 421 00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:17,440 taking part in the biathlon, which is the one where you ski and shoot. And 422 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,600 because they're here, Greenland is undefended. 423 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,420 There's an actual competitive skiing and shooting at the same time. 424 00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:28,280 Well, not that you do stuff. 425 00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:32,480 You do shoot. I don't know what you shoot. 426 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,100 Targets. You shoot targets. Yeah, what do you do when you shoot? Elk. 427 00:26:36,990 --> 00:26:39,290 I mean, I think that'd be more interesting. But they don't do like that 428 00:26:39,290 --> 00:26:43,230 figure skating and stuff, do they? No, no, no. You don't have to pick them off 429 00:26:43,230 --> 00:26:45,490 like that. You'll just spin really fast while shooting a target. 430 00:26:46,190 --> 00:26:48,190 Then you're really dizzy and it's like, don't kill anyone. 431 00:26:48,830 --> 00:26:50,310 Oh, she's praying wildly. 432 00:26:52,450 --> 00:26:55,970 What have ski jumpers at this year's Games been warned against doing? 433 00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:57,630 Enlarging their penis. 434 00:26:58,130 --> 00:27:01,710 Enlarging their penis. Because it actually makes you better at ski 435 00:27:01,890 --> 00:27:03,690 whereas in the hurdles... 436 00:27:05,770 --> 00:27:08,050 Yeah, they've been injecting like acid or something. 437 00:27:08,510 --> 00:27:11,250 Hyaluronic acid. Hyaluronic acid, right? And I read it, because it's dangerous, 438 00:27:11,370 --> 00:27:13,570 because apparently there's loads of side effects if you do this, trying to 439 00:27:13,570 --> 00:27:14,570 increase the size of your penis. 440 00:27:14,630 --> 00:27:19,250 But apparently, some of the side effects, um, memory loss, um... 441 00:27:19,250 --> 00:27:22,830 It's all safe. 442 00:27:23,190 --> 00:27:24,190 It's all safe. 443 00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:25,810 Hugh, 444 00:27:27,010 --> 00:27:29,130 let them finish the most reluctant round of applause of all time. 445 00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:35,570 The hyaluronic acid is also the active ingredient in lots of anti -aging 446 00:27:35,670 --> 00:27:40,150 Yes, it is. As L 'Oreal will tell you, right? So not only does it give you a 447 00:27:40,150 --> 00:27:41,890 bigger penis, it takes years off it. 448 00:27:43,130 --> 00:27:44,690 Much less wrinkling. 449 00:27:44,890 --> 00:27:47,550 That's why I feel sorry for penises, because they're born looking old. 450 00:27:49,190 --> 00:27:50,190 Much like myself. 451 00:27:53,290 --> 00:27:56,330 Hyaluronic acid and paraffin. So it does sound so dangerous. 452 00:27:56,530 --> 00:27:59,290 Like, it does sound something you don't want to do. But apparently you only have 453 00:27:59,290 --> 00:28:01,890 to gain, like, a couple of inches. Because this is, again, a science thing 454 00:28:01,890 --> 00:28:06,890 you. This is an aerodynamic thing. So they think only... Because last Olympics 455 00:28:06,890 --> 00:28:10,270 they got in trouble for just, like, opening their groins a couple of 456 00:28:10,270 --> 00:28:11,890 centimetres, like the costumes, a little bit. 457 00:28:12,610 --> 00:28:15,650 Apparently it's like an inch or something and then you can gain feet and 458 00:28:15,650 --> 00:28:21,110 when you get 2 .8 meters per centimeter of cloth Then she the aim is to be as 459 00:28:21,110 --> 00:28:25,910 much like a flying squirrel as possible. Yeah, famously well hung animals I 460 00:28:25,910 --> 00:28:28,410 don't understand this news story. 461 00:28:29,150 --> 00:28:30,310 What is a penis? 462 00:28:33,250 --> 00:28:37,490 It's horrible you wouldn't like it I couldn't believe it when I heard the 463 00:28:37,490 --> 00:28:40,430 acid because I guess if you're trying to get rid of a body you have to Be really 464 00:28:40,430 --> 00:28:43,460 specific about which acid you're using Otherwise, you stood over a bath being 465 00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:45,700 like, it's not dissolving and the dick is getting bigger. 466 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,380 It would be the most flattering doping test to be called in for, though, 467 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,800 wouldn't it? Just going, oh, come with me, big boy. We've got to check out 468 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:53,799 what's going on there. 469 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:57,860 This sounds like an excuse men would give, too. They're like, no, no, no, 470 00:28:57,860 --> 00:28:59,520 big enough. I'm just doing it for my country. 471 00:29:00,220 --> 00:29:02,140 And it caused all this scandal. 472 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:06,500 Some people are calling it penis gate, which I thought was a nice name for, 473 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:07,860 like, that bit at the Y front. 474 00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:09,700 Oh, yeah. 475 00:29:10,700 --> 00:29:12,200 I thought that was the penis gate. 476 00:29:12,420 --> 00:29:15,860 I never thought you referred to it as penis gate. Oh, just popped out the 477 00:29:15,860 --> 00:29:17,640 gate. Can you close the penis gate? 478 00:29:19,700 --> 00:29:22,120 Presumably it's not any ski jumping. I would have thought penis enlivening must 479 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,120 help you in the pole vault. 480 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,400 No, it would be the opposite. 481 00:29:26,900 --> 00:29:28,300 You'd need a shrinking injection. 482 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,760 Well, you wouldn't need a pole. You'd need to ice pack your... 483 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,760 So now they're doing it by measuring, like, the bottom, like, how far your 484 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:40,460 genitals go down, right? It's only this benefit elderly men with their drooping 485 00:29:40,460 --> 00:29:44,440 balls. Yeah. And every ski jumper should just be 90 years old. 486 00:29:44,740 --> 00:29:47,260 They would weigh nothing. They would fly through the air free. 487 00:29:48,700 --> 00:29:50,300 That's a picture of Captain Tom. 488 00:29:54,730 --> 00:29:57,770 Elon Musk has been in the news this week. He wants to launch a million 489 00:29:57,770 --> 00:29:59,030 satellites. Yes, he does. 490 00:29:59,250 --> 00:30:03,170 Into space. He does. For, like, AI centres, and he wants them all to be 491 00:30:03,170 --> 00:30:04,630 -powered because he's a light supremacist. 492 00:30:05,370 --> 00:30:09,450 LAUGHTER But it does feel like a bit of a distraction if you have just been 493 00:30:09,450 --> 00:30:11,790 announcing the Epstein files, doesn't it? Just going, look up there, there's a 494 00:30:11,790 --> 00:30:12,790 million satellites! 495 00:30:13,730 --> 00:30:18,250 LAUGHTER Sorry to bombard you with science questions, but how can they be 496 00:30:18,250 --> 00:30:19,710 -powered in space when it's dark? 497 00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:26,760 Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in space. He tweeted, he went, it's always 498 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:30,780 sunny in space. It's like, specifically not. It's pitch black. Why is it never 499 00:30:30,780 --> 00:30:33,020 blue sky on the moon? Why is that space black, Sarah? 500 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:33,719 Hello, Sarah. 501 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:34,720 Hello. 502 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:36,840 Why won't you tell us? 503 00:30:37,340 --> 00:30:39,660 It's not a secret. I'm not keeping it from you. 504 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:45,240 I've been sworn to secrecy on this one. I'm not in my ear going, they're on to 505 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:46,240 us, they're on to us. 506 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,900 There's an engine running and Brian Cox in the car going, come now, come now. 507 00:30:51,610 --> 00:30:53,050 This is a bit like a filibuster. 508 00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:59,430 It's not nighttime in space. No, so it all follows the trajectory of the sun. 509 00:30:59,610 --> 00:31:02,110 You can arrange it so it's always on the sunny side. Isn't that right? 510 00:31:02,390 --> 00:31:03,390 You could. 511 00:31:03,810 --> 00:31:07,410 Or they just get batteries and they just get lit when they go around. It doesn't 512 00:31:07,410 --> 00:31:09,290 explain why it's dark in space. It's day. 513 00:31:09,870 --> 00:31:13,810 Space, when you're in space, you can see the sun is still there. What time is it 514 00:31:13,810 --> 00:31:14,810 in space? Oh, my God. 515 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:23,000 Is it fun in space? 516 00:31:23,420 --> 00:31:25,980 Yeah, actually, because none of this happens. 517 00:31:26,420 --> 00:31:31,240 LAUGHTER OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Glenn, Hugh and Sarah. 518 00:31:35,460 --> 00:31:38,700 Join us after the break for more Mock the Week. 519 00:31:45,100 --> 00:31:48,060 Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad. 520 00:31:48,420 --> 00:31:51,040 In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, there's a chance for a 521 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:53,680 performance to come. compete to outdo each other with tales of woe from their 522 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:57,420 lives, and I decide whose is the worst. Would anyone care to start us off? I'll 523 00:31:57,420 --> 00:31:58,420 start. Go on. 524 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:02,720 So, I have therapy, and I was telling my therapist about how I was bullied at 525 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,420 school, and she asked me to describe it, and then she said, oh, that's not 526 00:32:06,420 --> 00:32:07,920 bullying. You just weren't liked. 527 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:15,400 Pretty bad, darling. Pretty bad. Oh, my God. Pretty bad. That's amazing. 528 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,700 Did she say that whilst flushing your head down the toilet? 529 00:32:21,390 --> 00:32:23,550 That's why she cleans away my tears at the end of the session. 530 00:32:24,650 --> 00:32:28,870 You think that's bad? My therapist actually recommended I quit doing stand 531 00:32:28,870 --> 00:32:31,190 in a YouTube comment about six months before we met. 532 00:32:33,490 --> 00:32:36,710 I've started going to therapy because I've got anger issues and I'm working 533 00:32:36,710 --> 00:32:38,590 I get really angry about stuff that doesn't matter, but I already know where 534 00:32:38,590 --> 00:32:40,310 get it from. I get it from my biological father. 535 00:32:40,550 --> 00:32:43,010 He's a really angry guy, my biological father. The main thing he gets angry 536 00:32:43,010 --> 00:32:45,730 about is that he raised me my whole life and he's my normal dad, but I still 537 00:32:45,730 --> 00:32:46,730 call him that for a laugh. 538 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,900 If you think that's bad, I recommended Harold Shipman to be ambassador to 539 00:32:52,900 --> 00:32:53,900 Morocco. 540 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:58,840 If you think that's bad, my husband stopped listening to Joe Rogan because 541 00:32:58,840 --> 00:32:59,840 thought he was too woke. 542 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:06,740 If you think that's bad, I went to the shop to buy a cauliflower, but I 543 00:33:06,740 --> 00:33:10,800 accidentally bought a cabbage, and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a 544 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:11,800 cauliflower. 545 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,060 When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it. 546 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:23,880 Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer. 547 00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:25,440 I'll give it one more layer. 548 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:26,880 I'll be in here. 549 00:33:27,140 --> 00:33:29,980 And I really wish I was a good enough comedian to have made that up. 550 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:34,840 That is very bad, but that's sort of bad in vegetables. 551 00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:38,320 I think this is worse. My son toed four the other day, and some of the parents 552 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,120 were sort of standing around at the party chatting, and that's how I found 553 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:42,660 I'm supposed to have been making him brush his teeth. 554 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:47,280 I thought that was something we all sort of did for ourselves. I was supposed to 555 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,680 have been having a toothbrush in his mouth every day. You thought there was 556 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:50,940 instinct that kicked in. 557 00:33:51,300 --> 00:33:54,040 It's had teeth for ages. 558 00:33:55,100 --> 00:33:58,040 I can't wait to hear how shitty your therapist is about this. 559 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:02,760 I'll tell you what's really good for cleaning your teeth. 560 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,200 What? WD -40. 561 00:34:06,380 --> 00:34:07,980 That's why my teeth are so clean. 562 00:34:09,260 --> 00:34:10,460 Hanging out with you -know -who. 563 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:14,139 I was a really small child, can you guess? 564 00:34:14,340 --> 00:34:15,340 No, were you? 565 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:18,520 Yeah, exactly. I was a small child. Go fuck yourself. 566 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,280 But my mum used to measure mine and my brother's height. 567 00:34:23,699 --> 00:34:26,380 by marking it on the kitchen doorframe every six months to see how much we'd 568 00:34:26,380 --> 00:34:30,120 grown, and mine stayed the same for so long, people would come round and assume 569 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:31,120 I had died. 570 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:37,060 You know, as you get older, you get more hair. You get hair in strange places. 571 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:42,360 I plucked a nose hair the other day, and my tonsils came out with it. 572 00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:48,000 You know, plucking a nose hair, it can actually break a nose if you don't ask 573 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,000 the person first. 574 00:34:52,010 --> 00:34:54,690 I'll give it a round. The points go to Cerise and Cataract. 575 00:34:58,610 --> 00:35:02,510 Now we come to scenes we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over 576 00:35:02,510 --> 00:35:03,510 to the performance area, please. 577 00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:06,590 I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come 578 00:35:06,590 --> 00:35:11,750 with. OK, here we go. The first subject is... Unlikely lines from a blockbuster 579 00:35:11,750 --> 00:35:12,750 movie. 580 00:35:13,090 --> 00:35:14,090 It's happened. 581 00:35:14,110 --> 00:35:15,190 They've risen from the dead. 582 00:35:15,470 --> 00:35:18,450 And now they're here to mock more weeks. 583 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:26,040 We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond. We need you to befriend a nonce. 584 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:35,400 The terrorists have seized the president and taken him hostage, and since then, 585 00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:36,800 everything's felt quite lovely. 586 00:35:42,380 --> 00:35:43,740 Finally, we meet, Bond. 587 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:47,320 I just need to finish my interpretive dance, and I'll be back. 588 00:35:57,740 --> 00:36:01,240 I am Thanos, the talking bookcase from Ikea. 589 00:36:06,500 --> 00:36:09,420 The calls are coming from inside the house. 590 00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,220 We have a landline? 591 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:19,960 My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, father to a murdered son, husband to a 592 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,060 murdered wife, and ambassador for men's mental health. 593 00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:32,320 I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him to put the fucking 594 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:33,340 toilet seat down. 595 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,820 They say the killer comes from a musical theater background, and they could be 596 00:36:41,820 --> 00:36:42,820 among us as we speak. 597 00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:52,680 I've come here from the dying alien planet of Krypton to save mankind, 598 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,120 reflection, is not something I should have told the ice agent. 599 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,500 How have I shit myself this badly? 600 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,520 If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1. 601 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:13,080 The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard. 602 00:37:18,060 --> 00:37:19,180 I'm ready for the revolution. 603 00:37:19,420 --> 00:37:22,480 And I've brought the wavy vanilla ice cream between layers of crisp chocolate. 604 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:24,280 Sorry, V for Vendetta. 605 00:37:31,530 --> 00:37:36,530 And you see, the thing is, he's got those cold, lifeless eyes, black eyes 606 00:37:36,530 --> 00:37:40,410 doll's eyes, and then you hear that horrible, high -pitched, blip -bip -blop 607 00:37:40,410 --> 00:37:41,410 -bip -blop -bip! 608 00:37:45,250 --> 00:37:52,250 My love, Cinderella, has left this shoe behind, so now I need every woman 609 00:37:52,250 --> 00:37:54,570 in the kingdom to show me her feet. 610 00:37:56,870 --> 00:37:59,890 What do you mean? It's a completely normal plan. 611 00:38:03,470 --> 00:38:07,830 Some say you can still hear the farmer who used to live here milking the cows 612 00:38:07,830 --> 00:38:08,669 the middle of the night. 613 00:38:08,670 --> 00:38:11,310 So if anyone hears anything that sounds like that, that's what it is. 614 00:38:15,030 --> 00:38:17,150 Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie. 615 00:38:18,370 --> 00:38:19,490 I'm sorry, Dara. 616 00:38:20,350 --> 00:38:21,650 I can't do that. 617 00:38:27,270 --> 00:38:29,030 How long does it take you to defuse a bomb? 618 00:38:29,290 --> 00:38:30,390 I don't know, about ten minutes? 619 00:38:30,590 --> 00:38:31,610 You've got 30 seconds! 620 00:38:32,410 --> 00:38:33,630 All right, then I can't. 621 00:38:36,530 --> 00:38:40,490 I still can't do that, darling. 622 00:38:46,090 --> 00:38:47,630 Well, I'm here with my friends. 623 00:38:48,710 --> 00:38:51,030 There's a lion. He would like some courage. 624 00:38:51,390 --> 00:38:53,710 And there's a scarecrow, and he would like a brain. 625 00:38:54,050 --> 00:38:58,130 And then there's a tin man, and he would like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his 626 00:38:58,130 --> 00:38:59,130 joints. 627 00:39:05,730 --> 00:39:06,730 No, no, no. 628 00:39:09,950 --> 00:39:14,770 I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to notice that my hair is 629 00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:16,790 a completely different fucking color today. 630 00:39:19,910 --> 00:39:25,810 I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy realizing it's a mirror and that 631 00:39:25,810 --> 00:39:27,150 gender is a social construct. 632 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:38,160 Well, yeah, of course I spent my money populating this place with dinosaurs. 633 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:39,820 What else is a billionaire supposed to do with an island? 634 00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,620 You think Slytherin's bad? The sorting hat put Hermione in reform. 635 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,920 OK, the next topic is... Hey, 636 00:39:57,380 --> 00:40:00,300 girl, are you the film The Notebook? Cos it seems everyone's touched by you, 637 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:01,320 except for me. 638 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:10,180 No, don't be put off. I don't normally walk like this. The last guy I slept 639 00:40:10,180 --> 00:40:11,180 was a ski jumper. 640 00:40:17,140 --> 00:40:18,140 Can you iron? 641 00:40:25,300 --> 00:40:28,680 Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail -biter. I didn't hurt your toes, did I? 642 00:40:32,140 --> 00:40:38,990 If I could rearrange the alphabet... I'd put you next to I, and then 643 00:40:38,990 --> 00:40:41,410 a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis. 644 00:40:44,890 --> 00:40:47,590 The room just lit up when you walked in. 645 00:40:48,330 --> 00:40:50,390 I think they have motion -sensitive switches. 646 00:40:57,510 --> 00:40:59,450 Girl, are you a watermelon? 647 00:40:59,950 --> 00:41:03,570 Because I want to take you back to my place and then feel too overwhelmed to 648 00:41:03,570 --> 00:41:04,570 anything with you. 649 00:41:10,700 --> 00:41:15,980 My ex -girlfriend used to call me the horse on account of my massive ketamine 650 00:41:15,980 --> 00:41:16,980 problem. 651 00:41:18,820 --> 00:41:22,560 I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes. 652 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:26,600 That noise, that Dara O 'Brien crying because the stars are in the wrong 653 00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:36,220 Wow. God must have taken the day off after making you, because you seem like 654 00:41:36,220 --> 00:41:37,220 lot of work. 655 00:41:44,950 --> 00:41:46,250 Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee? 656 00:41:46,550 --> 00:41:47,870 Because you're the only 10 I see. 657 00:41:48,170 --> 00:41:50,030 No? Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania? 658 00:41:50,350 --> 00:41:51,630 Because you've made my Pennsylvania. 659 00:41:56,210 --> 00:42:01,290 Forgive me. Forgive me. 660 00:42:01,510 --> 00:42:03,210 Reza has actually tried that one on me. 661 00:42:05,770 --> 00:42:09,910 Yeah, I am a high -flying PR executive. I'm launching a new client's fragrance. 662 00:42:10,170 --> 00:42:11,950 What do you think of Just Andrew? 663 00:42:16,460 --> 00:42:19,040 I say most men can't even find it, but I can. 664 00:42:19,420 --> 00:42:21,340 The lost kingdom of Shambhala. 665 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:28,260 Having sex with me is like having a happy meal. I come with a little toy. 666 00:42:33,140 --> 00:42:35,500 Look, I don't care that you have a son. 667 00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:36,760 I... Yeah, I know, Rhys. 668 00:42:41,420 --> 00:42:42,420 I would... 669 00:42:45,390 --> 00:42:47,310 I must be back to my place, but it seems a bit soon. 670 00:42:47,950 --> 00:42:49,490 I only escaped this morning. 671 00:42:53,350 --> 00:42:57,630 Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault? You might be eligible for 672 00:42:57,630 --> 00:42:58,630 compensation. 673 00:43:01,030 --> 00:43:03,610 I'm not wearing any deodorant. 674 00:43:06,810 --> 00:43:10,910 Hey girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog? 675 00:43:14,540 --> 00:43:15,540 Hey, are you from Tennessee? 676 00:43:15,660 --> 00:43:16,940 Because you're the only ten I see. 677 00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,480 No? Well then, are you from Virginia? 678 00:43:19,740 --> 00:43:21,000 Because you should have this Virginia. 679 00:43:24,060 --> 00:43:27,940 Come on, don't be silly. 680 00:43:28,180 --> 00:43:29,180 You pay. 681 00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:34,420 If I could rearrange the alphabet. 682 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:37,360 Sorry. 683 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,200 I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while. 684 00:43:49,940 --> 00:43:53,620 All your underwear must be lucky underwear, cos it gets to touch your... 685 00:43:53,700 --> 00:43:54,700 she's gone. 686 00:43:56,660 --> 00:44:01,240 You know, they call me the Stallion. At weekends, I get whipped by small men 687 00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:02,480 while Claire Balding commentates. 688 00:44:04,740 --> 00:44:07,380 At the end of that round, the points go to Claire, Ruth and Catherine! 689 00:44:10,300 --> 00:44:12,080 And that's the end of this show. 690 00:44:12,670 --> 00:44:16,970 This week's winners are Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis, and Sarah Pascoe. 691 00:44:18,530 --> 00:44:21,650 Commiserations to Patrick Lyon, Rhys James, and Sarah Keyworth. 692 00:44:23,190 --> 00:44:25,970 Thanks for watching. I'm Gary Green. Good night.